


Black and Blue

by DownOnThePharm



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 11:56:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15706737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: A bit of domestic (and a very wee bit sexy) fluff inspired by a scene from Back to Earth, where Rimmer is idly flipping through a book of carpet samples while Lister is talking to him.  Old, married, Series XII Rimsy and Listy.





	Black and Blue

“How about this nice navy blue? It’s sophisticated, yet classic, and goes well with everything.” Rimmer ran his hand appreciatively over the luxuriously plush carpet sample in the book he and Lister were looking over in the Mimas Depot down on V-Deck. 

“Why is it always blue with you? I swear, everything we have now is blue. Our sheets and duvets? Blue. The dishes? Blue. Towels? Blue. Lighting? Blue. The new tiles in the bathroom? Smegging blue.” 

Rimmer wagged his finger as he replied, “The bathroom is tiled in blue and white. Your argument is invalid, Listy.”

Lister rolled his eyes at his partner. “You know what I mean, you cheeky bugger. Blue, blue, smegging blue. I’m sick of it. It’s my turn to pick out the new carpet anyway. I want something more rock and roll this time. Something more me. How about black?”

Rimmer scoffed, “Black? Are you mad? Why on Io would we want black carpets?”

“What’s wrong with black carpets?”

“Everything! They’d show dirt and be nearly impossible to keep clean. Black carpets and you would be a terrible combination, Lister.” 

“Your inner mechanoid is showing again, man.”

Ignoring the gibe at his holdover mech traits, Rimmer continued, “Besides, black carpets would be far too dark for either our sleeping quarters or the officers’ quarters. I’d feel like a vampire.” Rising from his chair, he loomed over Lister and, in a cheesy movie Transylvanian accent, purred, “Good evening! Velcome to my humble bunkroom! I am Count Rimmer, and I never drink vine! Now, let me suck your blood!” Smiling devilishly, Rimmer leaned down and gently licked Lister’s neck, just below his ear, then lightly bit him. Lister closed his eyes and tilted his head back to give Rimmer better access to his throat. He lost himself in the wonderfully erotic sensations for a long moment, until...

“Are you trying to distract me?”

Around his mouthful of Lister’s neck, Rimmer mumbled, “Mmm-hmm.”

“Well, it won’t smegging - oh, god, yes, right there - work, you smeghead - I love it when you do that - I want the black carpets - you tricky bastard, nibbling on my ear won’t work either -  
oh, Rimsy, yes - why won’t you let me have my smegging way for a change?” Panting heavily, Lister finally gave up his incoherent babbling and just writhed happily as Rimmer slid to his knees on the floor and unfastened his leathers. 

Rimmer expertly freed Lister from his pants and boxers, positioned himself between his eager partner’s legs - and did nothing further other than rest his hands on his thighs. Frustrated and almost painfully aroused, Lister whined, grabbed Rimmer’s right hand, and, straining against hard-light strength, tried to drag it to his waiting erection. Smirking, Rimmer leaned back a bit and refused to allow his hand to budge. “Navy blue.”

“You what?”

“I want navy blue.”

“Rimmer, man, I’m begging you, do something to me smegging cock and finish what you started! I’m dying here!”

“Blue.”

“Smegging hell! Give me your hand, you git!”

“Navy blue. Not black.”

“Fine! No black! Navy blue, peacock blue, smegging pink with purple polka-dots - I don’t care! Just touch - oh, god, yes!” Lister’s eyes rolled back in his head and he stiffened and groaned loudly as, with a triumphant grin, Rimmer swiftly bent and took his full length in his mouth. 

From several aisles away, where the Cat was busily matching paint chips to swatches of fabric for his planned spring suits, came the faint yowl, “You monkeys are disgusting!”


End file.
